You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
