Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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