i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
