so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
