I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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