I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
