I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
