Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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