I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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