Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
