Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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