The maid of honor just puked.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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