I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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