i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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