Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The uberlube is also flammable
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
