Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
