Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
