How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
