he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
