Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
