woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
