Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
