after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Houston, we have a blender
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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