I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I can't put those talents on a resume
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
