I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
