ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Jerry, you need to find god
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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