Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
