I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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