I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize