That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize