When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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