chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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