My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
