I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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