yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
