I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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