It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I look better un-naked...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
