Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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