We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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