She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
