The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
