I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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