I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
how drunk are you?
Several
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
