you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
