Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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