eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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