don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
