Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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