There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
