My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
