i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
