I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize