the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize