So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
