Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
