Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
