In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
