Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
